Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Rejected Application

                    YOUTH PASTOR
                    APPLICATION FORM

First name: Yehoshua
Surname:   Benyoseph
D.O.B:      circa 5 BC (so they tell me)

Please state any previous Experience: 
  I began working with furniture,
  and after many years of carpentry, I became
  a rabbi. Preached to many people on numerous
  occasions - however, this often led to a plot
  to kill me...
  I was a big influence on the few young men whom
  I discipled. In fact, nearly all of them were 
  killed for their association with me.

Do you have any relevant skills for youthwork? 
  Can work wonders. Great patience and love,
  but will say it "as it is". Good sense of 
  humour, like telling stories. Good at party
  tricks with water.

Self disclosure: have you ever been convicted of a crime? And what was the punishment?
  Yes. Blasphemy. Capital Punishment.

Do you agree with our church doctrine and praxis?
  I know your deeds, your hard work and your
  perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate
  wicked men, that you have tested those who
  claim to be apostles but are not, and have
  found them false. You have persevered and
  have endured hardships for my name, and have
  not grown weary.
  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken
  your first love. Remember the height from which
  you have fallen! Repent and do the things you
  did at first. If you do not repent, I will come
  to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

Please include 2 references with your application.

Dear Conservative Evangelical Church,
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of creation, the eternal.
It was by Him that everything was created: the heavens, the earth, all things
within and upon them, all things seen and unseen, thrones and dominions, spiritual powers and authorities. 
Every detail was crafted through His design, by His own hands, and for His purposes.
He has always been! It is His hand that holds everything together. He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the first of those to be reborn from the dead, so that in every aspect, at every view, in everything - He is first.


Dear Conservative Evangelical Church,
This is a dangerous man, who has caused more harm than good. His suitability for church work is questionable. On numerous occasions he has been seen to mix with very undesirable people: prostitutes, criminals, unsavoury unemployed, corrupt politicians - the list goes on. He makes troubling statements about what constitutes right living, and has encouraged his previous followers to give up on life as we know it, in pursuit of the "Kingdom of God".
There are many who have willingly given up their lives in following this man. It has been said that he often drinks alcohol, and attends far too many parties.
If you are wanting to grow your church, again, I would dissuade you from employing Yehoshua. Each time he managed to dupe a good number of people into his group, he would almost always lose them with harsh, inappropriate words.
The man is a dangerous radical, who cavorts with vagabonds, and encourages unrealistic behaviour from those who listen to him.
My advice is to stay well clear.

Conservative Reason.