Apology

Hi all!

Huge apology for not posting on here for ages. All 5 of you that read this must have been twiddling your thumbs down to the bone in impatience... Maybe not.

Anyway, the sort of blogging on here will no doubt change in the near future as I have just set up a new church with a great friend (Andrew 'Ed' Edmondson). The church is called Church of Christ the King, Selly Oak (CCK). We are very excited about the church, and looking forward to what will happen. It's going to be really quite different to what we have been used to so far in our church experience, and we hope that this is a good thing.

Anyway, on the church website there is a blog where I shall be posting thoughts etc, and I'll reserve this blog for both the more controversial and academic postings!

Any questions about the church and the blog, please get in touch!

Rejected Application

                    YOUTH PASTOR
                    APPLICATION FORM

First name: Yehoshua

Surname:   Benyoseph

D.O.B:      circa 5 BC (so they tell me)

Please state any previous Experience: 
  I began working with furniture,

  and after many years of carpentry, I became

  a rabbi. Preached to many people on numerous

  occasions - however, this often led to a plot

  to kill me...

  I was a big influence on the few young men whom

  I discipled. In fact, nearly all of them were 

  killed for their association with me.

Do you have any relevant skills for youthwork? 
  Can work wonders. Great patience and love,
  but will say it "as it is". Good sense of 
  humour, like telling stories. Good at party
  tricks with water.

Self disclosure: have you ever been convicted of a crime? And what was the punishment?
  Yes. Blasphemy. Capital Punishment.

Do you agree with our church doctrine and praxis?
  I know your deeds, your hard work and your
  perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate
  wicked men, that you have tested those who
  claim to be apostles but are not, and have
  found them false. You have persevered and
  have endured hardships for my name, and have
  not grown weary.
  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken
  your first love. Remember the height from which
  you have fallen! Repent and do the things you
  did at first. If you do not repent, I will come
  to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

Please include 2 references with your application.

---

Reference:

Dear Conservative Evangelical Church,

 

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of creation, the eternal.

It was by Him that everything was created: the heavens, the earth, all things

within and upon them, all things seen and unseen, thrones and dominions, spiritual powers and authorities. 

Every detail was crafted through His design, by His own hands, and for His purposes.

He has always been! It is His hand that holds everything together. He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the first of those to be reborn from the dead, so that in every aspect, at every view, in everything - He is first.

Yours, 

Paulos

---

Reference:

Dear Conservative Evangelical Church,

 

This is a dangerous man, who has caused more harm than good. His suitability for church work is questionable. On numerous occasions he has been seen to mix with very undesirable people: prostitutes, criminals, unsavoury unemployed, corrupt politicians - the list goes on. He makes troubling statements about what constitutes right living, and has encouraged his previous followers to give up on life as we know it, in pursuit of the "Kingdom of God".

There are many who have willingly given up their lives in following this man. It has been said that he often drinks alcohol, and attends far too many parties.

If you are wanting to grow your church, again, I would dissuade you from employing Yehoshua. Each time he managed to dupe a good number of people into his group, he would almost always lose them with harsh, inappropriate words.

The man is a dangerous radical, who cavorts with vagabonds, and encourages unrealistic behaviour from those who listen to him.

My advice is to stay well clear.

Yours, 

Conservative Reason.

---

Introduction to Biblical Language 101

As I'm currently lecturing undergraduate Biblical Hebrew, the following thought came to mind in a recent lecture: 'I am not actually teaching Biblical Language, but Ancient Language.' The fact that the bible was originally (kind of) written in this language is almost coincidental. What I mean is, the original writers of the bible generally used words, phrases, ideas and imagery that already existed, in order to speak of God, His nature, activity, thought process and identity. Against that, today we have what I would actually call Biblical Language - i.e. Language that is derived from the Bible.

Take, for example, the words we use to describe God:

Lord

I can think of very few instances where we use the word "Lord" in today's culture. Our understanding of the word is extremely limited. We would refer to the "House of Lords", or maybe our understanding of "Lord" comes from buying a 1cm² plot of land in some estate in Scotland, to receive a certificate saying we are a Lord (or a Lady, of course). There is a parent at my wife's school who insists on using this title on any correspondence he writes. Having attained it via the above method, most people think it is slightly humorous; certainly not noble in any way.

Certainly in Christian domains, the word Lord has it's primary meaning as "God" - whereas in Hebrew (and Greek) the word meant first "master" or even "father" (figuratively). This is in a culture which understood and employed a slave/master society.^a People would have seen that there was something in the role of the Lords they saw that reflected something about the identity of God. In fact, though not a perfect model, seeing God as someone with the authority to do and say what he pleases, to give whatever to whomever he pleases, is lost in our current use of the word "Lord" with regards to God. A Lord simply isn't that in today's Western Post-modern world. Yet we hang on to these words because "they're in the Bible", forgetting that they were not originally "religious" terms. They were words that helped people understand who God is, because it gave them an example. In a day where Lord is primarily "God" - what is our example? Whence do we find our analogy for the person of God? The answer is, we don't. Calling God "Lord" is as useful as calling God "Bread Guardian" - which is where we get our word Lord from!^b


Okay, perhaps there is slightly more reason to call God Lord than Bread Guardian but my point is that perhaps it is time to rethink our labels for God?

King

This brings me to another word we use for God - King. It has been a long time since England had a King, at least not in my lifetime. In a similar vein to the previous argument, I would say that we don't know enough about kings to successfully ascribe the label to God. Our experience of kings in our culture is either of a relatively useless monarchy (who are more often than not famous for all the wrong reasons!) or a tyrant, unwilling to allow a democracy. Is this a good example of what God is like? Set this against the role of "the king" in biblical times. The king was a man (usually) respected above anyone else. He had sovereign authority and power like no-one else, and he lead his people and ensured their safety (if he was a good king!). All of these things are what we are taught about God, but they are so far removed from our experience. We are told that God is Sovereign - but we never really see sovereignty in action. We are told that, as King, God is exalted high and reigns, rules and looks after his people - but where do we see this in our lives? Anywhere?

The problem is a difficult one to solve. Labelling God "our Prime Minister" or "our President" just doesn't quite seem right either. Though we understand the role of such people better than say, a king, God's role is quite different to theirs, so they remain unhelpful! God is not elected. God is not a leader who must make laws and policies to appease his voters... There are not other "parties" who can challenge the leadership of God... it just doesn't quite work. The CEO is a slightly better role comparison, but there are so many negative connotations to CEO, that I'd rather stay with King!!! This is not an easy problem to solve.

Forward Steps?

There was recently a new translation of the Bible produced called The Voice. One of the ideas behind this new version was that it would seek to ditch "jargony" words. However, I feel they have not been anywhere near as thorough with their pruning of such words. We need to realise that words like "King", "Lord", are all "Christiany" words today. This article could continue into a book-length rant, but rest assured, I won't let it. Suffice it to say, I believe we have a problem to solve.

---

^a It is worth noting that the "slave trade" of the A.N.E. was quite different to the more recent slave trade perpetrated by the White West.
^b "Lord" comes from Olde English word hlaford which derives from an earlier word hlafweard from hlaf "bread" + weard "guardian".

Guide to joining a new church...

Ten Most Important Steps

1. Understand the principles
   Remember, joining a church is primarily about what is best for you. The good news is that many churches now see themselves as glorified businesses. This is wonderful news for the "consumer" because "the customer is always right". If you are unable to find a church (Ltd) that completely caters for all of your needs, then find one where you can be vocally belligerent, in the hope that the church (Ltd) will alter its produce and services.
2. Find the "power families"
   Once you have chosen the right church that will service your needs, the next step is to seek out the people/families in the church who are part of the "inner-circle". These are usually rich, well educated members of the church. This 'inner circle' have quite a powerful influence over the church. Only sometimes are they 'elders' or 'deacons', though the best description is probably 'majority shareholders'. Admittedly, it can be difficult to be accepted into this group if you are not rich and/or educated. However, perseverance is a virtue.
3. Do not aspire to a Leadership position
   It is important to follow this rule. In churches (Ltd) most forms of official leadership (we shall call them 'management') are fodder for all manner of public criticism. It is far easier to remain a customer, and demand to "see the manager" when you want to influence the direction of the company. Ensure the management do not make the same "mistake" twice.
4. Get to middle-age as quick as possible
   This is a fundamental part of joining a church. It may seem as though the church (Ltd) directs most of its efforts toward "youth" and the "elderly". However, this is usually because it pacifies them on business matters, leaving the 'inner-circle' to get on with directing the company. Middle-agers will benefit most from many church companies.

5. Choose a house-group wisely
   This decision could potentially decide how influential you will be in the church that you join. It is absolutely imperative that you join the house-group of one of the 'inner-circle', for numerous reasons. Firstly, they will probably have a nice, big comfortable house. Secondly, it is in this house group that most business decisions will be made. The church management shall be informed in due course.
6. Learn the jargon particular to your new church
   For effective communication, and to look like you mean business, make sure you use buzz-words often. Naturally, each company has different jargon, and moving from one organisation to another can mean learning almost a new language. Where words such as 'river', 'presence' and 'flow' may be popular jargon in one branch, these can be replaced by 'fire', 'journey' and 'conversation'.
7. Practise your "mmm"
   "Mmms" are an extension of jargon language. It is the sound of approval, vital for showing allegiance to influential people. When trying to show particular agreement, a "double-mmm" can be employed. You should never do more than a "triple-mmm" - people will think you've gone insane.
8. Learn golf
   A very effective way of socialising with others in your new organisation is to play golf. Being good (but not too good) at golf will result in many invites to more personal social events. This does work better for male customers, though it certainly does not exclude females.
9. Buy a Cafetiere
   Coffee is the drink of church. Even if you prefer tea, it is wise to learn to stomach coffee. Furthermore, you can fulfil your charitable duties by buying fairtrade coffee. After this, there is no real need to do much else charitable. Charity is expensive, and hard work, and therefore it is useful to find short-cuts.
10. Do not commit
    This is the golden rule. Do not commit to your new organisation. This does not mean you should up and leave at the first disagreement. However, always remember that if the management and 'inner-circle' consistently fail to meet your personal needs, it is time to swallow your pride, and admit you may have chosen the wrong church. Be encouraged though, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

(Please note that this is satire. I actually think the Church is a wonderful institute. God loves, and lives in the Church. I hope, though, this article makes you think or at least makes you chuckle.)

God bless