Shocking News About Young People

Jon Birch over at Asbo Jesus has posted a good cartoon this morning.

Click on the picture to see the full article.



Asbo Jesus does it again!

Rejected Application

                    YOUTH PASTOR
                    APPLICATION FORM

First name: Yehoshua

Surname:   Benyoseph

D.O.B:      circa 5 BC (so they tell me)

Please state any previous Experience: 
  I began working with furniture,

  and after many years of carpentry, I became

  a rabbi. Preached to many people on numerous

  occasions - however, this often led to a plot

  to kill me...

  I was a big influence on the few young men whom

  I discipled. In fact, nearly all of them were 

  killed for their association with me.

Do you have any relevant skills for youthwork? 
  Can work wonders. Great patience and love,
  but will say it "as it is". Good sense of 
  humour, like telling stories. Good at party
  tricks with water.

Self disclosure: have you ever been convicted of a crime? And what was the punishment?
  Yes. Blasphemy. Capital Punishment.

Do you agree with our church doctrine and praxis?
  I know your deeds, your hard work and your
  perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate
  wicked men, that you have tested those who
  claim to be apostles but are not, and have
  found them false. You have persevered and
  have endured hardships for my name, and have
  not grown weary.
  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken
  your first love. Remember the height from which
  you have fallen! Repent and do the things you
  did at first. If you do not repent, I will come
  to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

Please include 2 references with your application.

---

Reference:

Dear Conservative Evangelical Church,

 

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of creation, the eternal.

It was by Him that everything was created: the heavens, the earth, all things

within and upon them, all things seen and unseen, thrones and dominions, spiritual powers and authorities. 

Every detail was crafted through His design, by His own hands, and for His purposes.

He has always been! It is His hand that holds everything together. He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the first of those to be reborn from the dead, so that in every aspect, at every view, in everything - He is first.

Yours, 

Paulos

---

Reference:

Dear Conservative Evangelical Church,

 

This is a dangerous man, who has caused more harm than good. His suitability for church work is questionable. On numerous occasions he has been seen to mix with very undesirable people: prostitutes, criminals, unsavoury unemployed, corrupt politicians - the list goes on. He makes troubling statements about what constitutes right living, and has encouraged his previous followers to give up on life as we know it, in pursuit of the "Kingdom of God".

There are many who have willingly given up their lives in following this man. It has been said that he often drinks alcohol, and attends far too many parties.

If you are wanting to grow your church, again, I would dissuade you from employing Yehoshua. Each time he managed to dupe a good number of people into his group, he would almost always lose them with harsh, inappropriate words.

The man is a dangerous radical, who cavorts with vagabonds, and encourages unrealistic behaviour from those who listen to him.

My advice is to stay well clear.

Yours, 

Conservative Reason.

---

Christmas Number 1 2010...

It has been a long time since I last blogged - I'm sure you coped.

One of my friends, though perhaps the following will put question to that label, recently brought my attention to something that is currently becoming viral; namely, 3 minutes and 50 seconds of pure 'genius' provided courtesy of a certain Maxine Swaby. Written by Patrick McNeill, "Pardon Me" is a song and music video that will change your life - if for no other reason than you will find yourself whistling it almost every time there is nothing else to do - and even sometimes when there is...

This comes with what may seem an attempted comedic warning. However, let me assure you, this is gravely serious. Please, only listen to this if you think you can cope. Furthermore, I hereby take absolutely no responsibility for this decision of yours. If you click, be it on your head - please do not hate me for it. Okay...



And for those of you who are reading this on facebook, or whatever, where the embedded video may not work, here is the link: Pardon Me

Now, where can we possibly begin? Cruelty is certainly an option, but I think a terribly cheap one. However, neither is a sensible critique or review an option - that would cost too much... Should I mention that it looks like she went into a hairdressers and asked for "everything"? I won't, as that is unnecessarily cruel. I also, shouldn't spend too much time questioning the directing techniques, or the sudden appearance of deer at the end. Instead I'm going to invoke "Poe's Law".

Poe's Law points out that it is hard to tell parodies of fundamentalism (or, more generally, any crackpot theory) from the real thing, since they both seem equally insane. Conversely, real fundamentalism can easily be mistaken for a parody of fundamentalism. Of course, Pardon Me hardly falls under the label of fundamentalism, nor a crackpot theory. Yet, I think the law still applies. There are so many poor, and downright bizarre things that can be found on the internet, that I find it plausible (even hopeful!!) that this is some sort of parody. I know deep inside (however impossible that actually is) that Pardon Me is as genuine as they come. And I am reminded of that every 20 minutes when I find myself humming it through. Again. Someone help me for goodness sake.

I suppose, the point of this little rant is that people are weird. I don't understand people. However, it is that strangeness that gives me some little bit of hope. That actually, I'm quite normal - because I'm weird. To misquote The Incredibles "If everyone is weird, then no-one is." The potential for anarchy is terrifyingly wonderful, however. To truly get one over on the X-Factor crowd, this should be campaigned for a Christmas number 1... besides, it seems fitting that a follow up to "F### you I won't do what you tell me" should be, "Pardon Me".

This video is really getting viral now (in every meaning of the word). I've just been made aware of many "Re:Pardon Me" videos (even a Re:Re:Re:Pardon Me...). It's generating a fair amount of talk too. One person asking, and seemingly not seeing the ironic side of his suggestion, that due to her pronunciation of certain words, she may be deaf. Yes. Well done. A deaf person singing a song called "Pardon Me"... the weirdness continues...

Atheism defined!

I have to admit, this quote found from Atheist Tool Box did make me chuckle slightly:

"Unlike Religion, Atheists do not have to agree on all issues and share similar agendas. Atheists can be conservative or liberal, capitalist or communist, republican or democrat, black or white, male or female. Some Atheists are completely neutral in regards to religion and it's place in society, whilst other Atheists do have certain agendas. Some of the more common Atheistic agendas include the separation of church and state and the teaching of evolution in our school systems. It must be said however that these are individual groups within the Atheist community and in no way represent the Atheist community as a whole."

As far as I am aware, Christians do not agree on all issues. We have conservative Christians, and liberal Christians, capitalist Christians, communist Christians, Republicans, Democrats... there have even been some black and white Christians... I'm sure I've met both male and female Christians also...

I also have to giggle at this quote,

"It must be said however that these are individual groups within the Atheist community and in no way represent the Atheist community as a whole."

- well, that never applies to Christian groups...

It really annoys me that such things as this exist. And they exist on all sides of the arguement. When Christians act as if Atheists are, in some way, worse than they are it makes me cringe. Well, they're Atheists! Surely they are just... um... wrong! - Well, no actually. Similarly, when certain atheists (not representing the Atheist community as a whole, of course) make statements like the above, it also makes me cringe.

I doubt it will happen, but I long for some decent, respectful dialogue. While there are extremists and "anonymous extremists" (i.e. people who are unaware they are extremists) on every side of the debate, respectful dialogue seems unlikely. While so many Christians still use very dodgy (and often downright terrible) science to "prove" their agenda, and while so many Atheists see the religious as silly and unable to offer anything to a debate that has already (in their minds) been sealed - the future looks bleak.

I still live with hope that both groups will one day learn to not vilify the other, see them first as fellow human beings, and enter into what could be a very enlightening debate.

I am aware that my sarcasm is probably not helping my cause here, but the quote was so bizarre I couldn't just let it pass. I apologise.

Guide to joining a new church...

Ten Most Important Steps

1. Understand the principles
   Remember, joining a church is primarily about what is best for you. The good news is that many churches now see themselves as glorified businesses. This is wonderful news for the "consumer" because "the customer is always right". If you are unable to find a church (Ltd) that completely caters for all of your needs, then find one where you can be vocally belligerent, in the hope that the church (Ltd) will alter its produce and services.
2. Find the "power families"
   Once you have chosen the right church that will service your needs, the next step is to seek out the people/families in the church who are part of the "inner-circle". These are usually rich, well educated members of the church. This 'inner circle' have quite a powerful influence over the church. Only sometimes are they 'elders' or 'deacons', though the best description is probably 'majority shareholders'. Admittedly, it can be difficult to be accepted into this group if you are not rich and/or educated. However, perseverance is a virtue.
3. Do not aspire to a Leadership position
   It is important to follow this rule. In churches (Ltd) most forms of official leadership (we shall call them 'management') are fodder for all manner of public criticism. It is far easier to remain a customer, and demand to "see the manager" when you want to influence the direction of the company. Ensure the management do not make the same "mistake" twice.
4. Get to middle-age as quick as possible
   This is a fundamental part of joining a church. It may seem as though the church (Ltd) directs most of its efforts toward "youth" and the "elderly". However, this is usually because it pacifies them on business matters, leaving the 'inner-circle' to get on with directing the company. Middle-agers will benefit most from many church companies.

5. Choose a house-group wisely
   This decision could potentially decide how influential you will be in the church that you join. It is absolutely imperative that you join the house-group of one of the 'inner-circle', for numerous reasons. Firstly, they will probably have a nice, big comfortable house. Secondly, it is in this house group that most business decisions will be made. The church management shall be informed in due course.
6. Learn the jargon particular to your new church
   For effective communication, and to look like you mean business, make sure you use buzz-words often. Naturally, each company has different jargon, and moving from one organisation to another can mean learning almost a new language. Where words such as 'river', 'presence' and 'flow' may be popular jargon in one branch, these can be replaced by 'fire', 'journey' and 'conversation'.
7. Practise your "mmm"
   "Mmms" are an extension of jargon language. It is the sound of approval, vital for showing allegiance to influential people. When trying to show particular agreement, a "double-mmm" can be employed. You should never do more than a "triple-mmm" - people will think you've gone insane.
8. Learn golf
   A very effective way of socialising with others in your new organisation is to play golf. Being good (but not too good) at golf will result in many invites to more personal social events. This does work better for male customers, though it certainly does not exclude females.
9. Buy a Cafetiere
   Coffee is the drink of church. Even if you prefer tea, it is wise to learn to stomach coffee. Furthermore, you can fulfil your charitable duties by buying fairtrade coffee. After this, there is no real need to do much else charitable. Charity is expensive, and hard work, and therefore it is useful to find short-cuts.
10. Do not commit
    This is the golden rule. Do not commit to your new organisation. This does not mean you should up and leave at the first disagreement. However, always remember that if the management and 'inner-circle' consistently fail to meet your personal needs, it is time to swallow your pride, and admit you may have chosen the wrong church. Be encouraged though, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

(Please note that this is satire. I actually think the Church is a wonderful institute. God loves, and lives in the Church. I hope, though, this article makes you think or at least makes you chuckle.)

God bless

A Bible Commentary...

Admittedly, this is slightly irreverent... but it's still quite funny!