Rejected Application

                    YOUTH PASTOR
                    APPLICATION FORM

First name: Yehoshua

Surname:   Benyoseph

D.O.B:      circa 5 BC (so they tell me)

Please state any previous Experience: 
  I began working with furniture,

  and after many years of carpentry, I became

  a rabbi. Preached to many people on numerous

  occasions - however, this often led to a plot

  to kill me...

  I was a big influence on the few young men whom

  I discipled. In fact, nearly all of them were 

  killed for their association with me.

Do you have any relevant skills for youthwork? 
  Can work wonders. Great patience and love,
  but will say it "as it is". Good sense of 
  humour, like telling stories. Good at party
  tricks with water.

Self disclosure: have you ever been convicted of a crime? And what was the punishment?
  Yes. Blasphemy. Capital Punishment.

Do you agree with our church doctrine and praxis?
  I know your deeds, your hard work and your
  perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate
  wicked men, that you have tested those who
  claim to be apostles but are not, and have
  found them false. You have persevered and
  have endured hardships for my name, and have
  not grown weary.
  Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken
  your first love. Remember the height from which
  you have fallen! Repent and do the things you
  did at first. If you do not repent, I will come
  to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

Please include 2 references with your application.

---

Reference:

Dear Conservative Evangelical Church,

 

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of creation, the eternal.

It was by Him that everything was created: the heavens, the earth, all things

within and upon them, all things seen and unseen, thrones and dominions, spiritual powers and authorities. 

Every detail was crafted through His design, by His own hands, and for His purposes.

He has always been! It is His hand that holds everything together. He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the first of those to be reborn from the dead, so that in every aspect, at every view, in everything - He is first.

Yours, 

Paulos

---

Reference:

Dear Conservative Evangelical Church,

 

This is a dangerous man, who has caused more harm than good. His suitability for church work is questionable. On numerous occasions he has been seen to mix with very undesirable people: prostitutes, criminals, unsavoury unemployed, corrupt politicians - the list goes on. He makes troubling statements about what constitutes right living, and has encouraged his previous followers to give up on life as we know it, in pursuit of the "Kingdom of God".

There are many who have willingly given up their lives in following this man. It has been said that he often drinks alcohol, and attends far too many parties.

If you are wanting to grow your church, again, I would dissuade you from employing Yehoshua. Each time he managed to dupe a good number of people into his group, he would almost always lose them with harsh, inappropriate words.

The man is a dangerous radical, who cavorts with vagabonds, and encourages unrealistic behaviour from those who listen to him.

My advice is to stay well clear.

Yours, 

Conservative Reason.

---

Christmas Number 1 2010...

It has been a long time since I last blogged - I'm sure you coped.

One of my friends, though perhaps the following will put question to that label, recently brought my attention to something that is currently becoming viral; namely, 3 minutes and 50 seconds of pure 'genius' provided courtesy of a certain Maxine Swaby. Written by Patrick McNeill, "Pardon Me" is a song and music video that will change your life - if for no other reason than you will find yourself whistling it almost every time there is nothing else to do - and even sometimes when there is...

This comes with what may seem an attempted comedic warning. However, let me assure you, this is gravely serious. Please, only listen to this if you think you can cope. Furthermore, I hereby take absolutely no responsibility for this decision of yours. If you click, be it on your head - please do not hate me for it. Okay...



And for those of you who are reading this on facebook, or whatever, where the embedded video may not work, here is the link: Pardon Me

Now, where can we possibly begin? Cruelty is certainly an option, but I think a terribly cheap one. However, neither is a sensible critique or review an option - that would cost too much... Should I mention that it looks like she went into a hairdressers and asked for "everything"? I won't, as that is unnecessarily cruel. I also, shouldn't spend too much time questioning the directing techniques, or the sudden appearance of deer at the end. Instead I'm going to invoke "Poe's Law".

Poe's Law points out that it is hard to tell parodies of fundamentalism (or, more generally, any crackpot theory) from the real thing, since they both seem equally insane. Conversely, real fundamentalism can easily be mistaken for a parody of fundamentalism. Of course, Pardon Me hardly falls under the label of fundamentalism, nor a crackpot theory. Yet, I think the law still applies. There are so many poor, and downright bizarre things that can be found on the internet, that I find it plausible (even hopeful!!) that this is some sort of parody. I know deep inside (however impossible that actually is) that Pardon Me is as genuine as they come. And I am reminded of that every 20 minutes when I find myself humming it through. Again. Someone help me for goodness sake.

I suppose, the point of this little rant is that people are weird. I don't understand people. However, it is that strangeness that gives me some little bit of hope. That actually, I'm quite normal - because I'm weird. To misquote The Incredibles "If everyone is weird, then no-one is." The potential for anarchy is terrifyingly wonderful, however. To truly get one over on the X-Factor crowd, this should be campaigned for a Christmas number 1... besides, it seems fitting that a follow up to "F### you I won't do what you tell me" should be, "Pardon Me".

This video is really getting viral now (in every meaning of the word). I've just been made aware of many "Re:Pardon Me" videos (even a Re:Re:Re:Pardon Me...). It's generating a fair amount of talk too. One person asking, and seemingly not seeing the ironic side of his suggestion, that due to her pronunciation of certain words, she may be deaf. Yes. Well done. A deaf person singing a song called "Pardon Me"... the weirdness continues...

Cheers, Big Ears!

Picture the scene:

Me and my wife are waiting in line in M&S to purchase a couple of essentials. Hannah is a teacher, and has had a few M&S gift certificates, so we were using them to pay for the stuff - free food stuff is always welcome here! Anyway, as she is handing over the gift certificates/card, she mentions that it is one of the perks of being a teacher, to which the woman behind us "just had to say" (apparently) that the 6 weeks of holiday are also a perk, surely.

Now, this neither of us can argue with. It's a slur that pretty much every teacher has had to put up with and smile graciously about since, well, since forever I imagine! However, the woman in question proceeds to snort out that, 'in fact, there are about 13 weeks' holiday. Paid. *tut*'. Hannah, being Hannah, hates confrontation, so she said nothing. Until we got into the car at which point she made her frustration known. "Why do some people feel that they can be so rude?" she justifiably asked. Indeed, why do they? What is it about certain people that makes them feel they "just HAVE to say something". They conveniently leave out the fact that most teachers work 12-13 hours per day, and that during the shorter holidays, they are working most of the time. I also wonder whether or not this woman's children go to school. Or in fact, did she? I am sure her (hypothetical) children would be worse off if there were no teachers.

We live in such a judgmental society. In fact, here I am judging this woman based on observing her actions for less than 5 minutes. It is bizarre. We are generally encouraged to do so by the media too. I believe that the contestants for Big Brother were booed before they even entered the house this year... What an odd society we are. Internet message boards, and blogs such as this, are rife with people saying the most disturbing things to each other, over nothing at all!

As a Christian, I am told by its founder to "not judge others". It is a practice we could all do with a bit more. I hope that we can be more gracious, and thankful to those we meet.

Therefore, allow me to offer you this challenge. For each person that you come into contact with, try and find something encouraging to say to them. Resist the temptation to lower their status by denigrating something about their existence.

"Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it's the only answer."
Dorothy Day.

Following Jesus

I often think about my faith.

I came to believe in the Christian God aged 8, having experienced something "other-worldly" on a school trip to a local church. Having experienced this odd feeling, I reasoned that it happened in a church (that I had been in many times before) so, perhaps going to a church would provide the answer. To cut a long story very short - I became a Christian.

That was eighteen years ago. In the last year, I have really been struggling with what it means to follow Jesus Christ. I have been looking at the church and seeing mass hypocrisy. I have seen rich people backing up their ideal of "good behaviour". I have seen poor people find a crutch to lean on. I have seen lots of people happy to join a "club" and try everything they can to get others to join this "club". What I haven't seen much of is the real problems in the world tackled by the people that should be tackling them.

There is a quote on the latest Delirious album which simply states:

"If it's not acceptable in the kingdom of heaven, then it's not acceptable here."

How many Christians believe this? Let me ask you this question (and "being a Christian" has no moral leverage here) - "What are you doing to change the sorry state of this world?"

The only thing I would say to Christians is that we have no excuse to do nothing. The good news we have isn't just a "social gospel" - but (among other things) it is a social gospel.

There are people in this world that need help. What are you actually doing for them?

Atheism defined!

I have to admit, this quote found from Atheist Tool Box did make me chuckle slightly:

"Unlike Religion, Atheists do not have to agree on all issues and share similar agendas. Atheists can be conservative or liberal, capitalist or communist, republican or democrat, black or white, male or female. Some Atheists are completely neutral in regards to religion and it's place in society, whilst other Atheists do have certain agendas. Some of the more common Atheistic agendas include the separation of church and state and the teaching of evolution in our school systems. It must be said however that these are individual groups within the Atheist community and in no way represent the Atheist community as a whole."

As far as I am aware, Christians do not agree on all issues. We have conservative Christians, and liberal Christians, capitalist Christians, communist Christians, Republicans, Democrats... there have even been some black and white Christians... I'm sure I've met both male and female Christians also...

I also have to giggle at this quote,

"It must be said however that these are individual groups within the Atheist community and in no way represent the Atheist community as a whole."

- well, that never applies to Christian groups...

It really annoys me that such things as this exist. And they exist on all sides of the arguement. When Christians act as if Atheists are, in some way, worse than they are it makes me cringe. Well, they're Atheists! Surely they are just... um... wrong! - Well, no actually. Similarly, when certain atheists (not representing the Atheist community as a whole, of course) make statements like the above, it also makes me cringe.

I doubt it will happen, but I long for some decent, respectful dialogue. While there are extremists and "anonymous extremists" (i.e. people who are unaware they are extremists) on every side of the debate, respectful dialogue seems unlikely. While so many Christians still use very dodgy (and often downright terrible) science to "prove" their agenda, and while so many Atheists see the religious as silly and unable to offer anything to a debate that has already (in their minds) been sealed - the future looks bleak.

I still live with hope that both groups will one day learn to not vilify the other, see them first as fellow human beings, and enter into what could be a very enlightening debate.

I am aware that my sarcasm is probably not helping my cause here, but the quote was so bizarre I couldn't just let it pass. I apologise.

Storms

It is quite often that life gets compared to the weather. One can feel "bright and sunny" or feel like "there is a dark cloud over-head". It is interesting that we choose such a system to portray our feelings as we have no real control over the weather. Do we view our emotions in the same light? Are we right to do so? I don't really know.

Personally, to use this method of description, I feel that in my life at present it is persisting down (see what I did there..!). I feel quite drenched (and I don't mean that in a jargony, sentimental Christian kind of way!). If there is anyone actually reading this I would appreciate a prayer or two.

Thanks.

Introduction to Biblical Language 101

As I'm currently lecturing undergraduate Biblical Hebrew, the following thought came to mind in a recent lecture: 'I am not actually teaching Biblical Language, but Ancient Language.' The fact that the bible was originally (kind of) written in this language is almost coincidental. What I mean is, the original writers of the bible generally used words, phrases, ideas and imagery that already existed, in order to speak of God, His nature, activity, thought process and identity. Against that, today we have what I would actually call Biblical Language - i.e. Language that is derived from the Bible.

Take, for example, the words we use to describe God:

Lord

I can think of very few instances where we use the word "Lord" in today's culture. Our understanding of the word is extremely limited. We would refer to the "House of Lords", or maybe our understanding of "Lord" comes from buying a 1cm² plot of land in some estate in Scotland, to receive a certificate saying we are a Lord (or a Lady, of course). There is a parent at my wife's school who insists on using this title on any correspondence he writes. Having attained it via the above method, most people think it is slightly humorous; certainly not noble in any way.

Certainly in Christian domains, the word Lord has it's primary meaning as "God" - whereas in Hebrew (and Greek) the word meant first "master" or even "father" (figuratively). This is in a culture which understood and employed a slave/master society.^a People would have seen that there was something in the role of the Lords they saw that reflected something about the identity of God. In fact, though not a perfect model, seeing God as someone with the authority to do and say what he pleases, to give whatever to whomever he pleases, is lost in our current use of the word "Lord" with regards to God. A Lord simply isn't that in today's Western Post-modern world. Yet we hang on to these words because "they're in the Bible", forgetting that they were not originally "religious" terms. They were words that helped people understand who God is, because it gave them an example. In a day where Lord is primarily "God" - what is our example? Whence do we find our analogy for the person of God? The answer is, we don't. Calling God "Lord" is as useful as calling God "Bread Guardian" - which is where we get our word Lord from!^b


Okay, perhaps there is slightly more reason to call God Lord than Bread Guardian but my point is that perhaps it is time to rethink our labels for God?

King

This brings me to another word we use for God - King. It has been a long time since England had a King, at least not in my lifetime. In a similar vein to the previous argument, I would say that we don't know enough about kings to successfully ascribe the label to God. Our experience of kings in our culture is either of a relatively useless monarchy (who are more often than not famous for all the wrong reasons!) or a tyrant, unwilling to allow a democracy. Is this a good example of what God is like? Set this against the role of "the king" in biblical times. The king was a man (usually) respected above anyone else. He had sovereign authority and power like no-one else, and he lead his people and ensured their safety (if he was a good king!). All of these things are what we are taught about God, but they are so far removed from our experience. We are told that God is Sovereign - but we never really see sovereignty in action. We are told that, as King, God is exalted high and reigns, rules and looks after his people - but where do we see this in our lives? Anywhere?

The problem is a difficult one to solve. Labelling God "our Prime Minister" or "our President" just doesn't quite seem right either. Though we understand the role of such people better than say, a king, God's role is quite different to theirs, so they remain unhelpful! God is not elected. God is not a leader who must make laws and policies to appease his voters... There are not other "parties" who can challenge the leadership of God... it just doesn't quite work. The CEO is a slightly better role comparison, but there are so many negative connotations to CEO, that I'd rather stay with King!!! This is not an easy problem to solve.

Forward Steps?

There was recently a new translation of the Bible produced called The Voice. One of the ideas behind this new version was that it would seek to ditch "jargony" words. However, I feel they have not been anywhere near as thorough with their pruning of such words. We need to realise that words like "King", "Lord", are all "Christiany" words today. This article could continue into a book-length rant, but rest assured, I won't let it. Suffice it to say, I believe we have a problem to solve.

---

^a It is worth noting that the "slave trade" of the A.N.E. was quite different to the more recent slave trade perpetrated by the White West.
^b "Lord" comes from Olde English word hlaford which derives from an earlier word hlafweard from hlaf "bread" + weard "guardian".